At some point I made a deal with myself that I wasn’t going to be ‘that’ bitter 40 something year old without kids. That I wouldn’t distance myself from couples with kids and kids parties. And today, I find myself going to great lengths to avoid couples with kids and especially kids parties.
How did I get here? When did this happened?
It took me some time to unpack this, and thought just maybe I’m just bitter. But no. What it took was having to endure the many comments and assumptions made about me without kids.
Like the time a friend was cradling her swollen pregnant belly, rubbing my right arm, saying “It will happen for you too” her head tilted – her eyebrows all droopy.
And another time when I opened an email from a work colleague apologising for talking about her pregnancy during lunch with the girls and how difficult it must be for me to listen to it.
And more recently when another friend understood how painful it must have been for me to go through IVF.
At the time, my reaction to these were nothing more than annoyance. Annoyances which I now realise were the beginnings of ‘that’ forty something year old woman. I found those comments somewhat amusing – almost a game as I watched these women frantically search my face for some hint that will confirm their deep insightful and empathetic comments, where in reality, all I heard were stupid and insensitive words. And for the briefest time I was the winner of that game. But today I don’t feel like the winner and these comments have managed to wear me down.
So, deal broken, I am ‘that’ woman, but not bitter just a little tired and wants to hide from the world sometimes.
New links added to my blog:
The Murder of Mollie Dean – runs for 50 min. [ABC’s Conversations with Richard Fidler]
A crime from 1930s Melbourne. Mollie Dean was part of Melbourne’s bohemian society. This podcast reveals a chapter of our history – while not pretty, in fact horrific in parts, tells us a little about Melbourne’s bohemian society and how Mollie Dean left her mark on it.