I was reflecting on what makes me happy before I created this work and what I came up with was me on a summer holiday with friends. Sunbaking all day, late nights and music. Meeting new people and the exposure to new ideas, culture and food. And all the laughter that comes with it.
As I was reflecting I hadn’t noticed Ms Self Pity who had very quietly walked in and sat next to me. She leaned forward and whispered
“hey… they were good times weren’t they?..”
Then before I know it my bottom lip started to tremble, eyes began to well up as I took in a deep breath in preparation to release the loudest adult infant style cry ever and instead this comes out of me….
“….ahhhh… ahahahagghghgh ha hahahah..hggggg..”
me laughing like a villan who has just realised the benefits of her evil (and mostly flawed) plot of taking over of the world or some shit like that …(and on that day my hair happened to have a horrific level of frizz to complimented this expression )….
….and I realised that IT’S ONLY WHEN I LOOK BACK do these moments appear happy. If I’m to recall what makes me happy what I really need to be doing is looking back at ALL THE MEMORIES during my holidays with friends not just the happy ones.
Like the hours of being bored shitless on the beach, the complete freakout I experience when I realised that I’m sharing the beach with jelly fish. And that early morning sun that wants you up RIGHT NOW THANK YOU! And that hangover feeling in the morning whether it’s because of too much alcohol, sun or food (or all of the above). And then some days later, ever so quietly and slowly the beginnings of a yearning to return home.
Then I think… I really miss those days.
I look over and see a fearful Ms Self Pity who left the room – work up the courage to come sit with me again and put her arm around me. And then starts to whisper…. “but today no one really loves you do they…. and ….”
Then before I know it my bottom lip started to tremble….